SKANK-O-WEEN: A HALLOWEEN CAROL

Halloween is here! Woo hoo! That means it’s time to whip out those delicious waxy candy-corn pumpkin treats. Psh…who am I kidding…Whip out? I’ve already plowed through enough to keep me full till next year. But speaking of whipping things out, women across the country are whipping out more than just candy goodies this Halloween – they’re also whipping out their own “goodies” and putting them on display. Peek-a-boob! er…uh…oops….we’ll call that a Freudian slip. I meant to say Peek-a-boo (or did I?)

Lindsay Lohan (one of the scariest skank transformations of our time) ironically had some good advice in the movie Mean Girls a few years back. But let's be honest - it was Tina Fey that penned these lines, not Lindsay.

"Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it."

Stand back Lindsay - Cause this girl is gonna say something about it! Eh hem...

I heard the term “Skank-o-ween” on the radio yesterday. Love it. Ask John, I could NOT stop laughing for a good 3 minutes. Partly because I think skank is just about one of the funniest words ever, and partly because it’s a ridiculously true statement on society. You hit the nail on the head Kid Kradic – Halloween seems to have made a quick costume change from family friendly to “hors on parade.” Skirts are on the rise and standards are falling fast. The hemlines are creeping up and it’s creeping me out. And here we are watching as necklines take the plunge along with our morals.

So today I write a letter to the Skanks of Halloween. Consider it my commentary on what I like to call, the naked truth.

Dear Skanks of Halloween,

1. If you buy your costume in the lingerie department, it was intended to be worn in the bedroom - not presented door to door. Just a thought.

2. The weather is getting colder, so why are you wearing almost nothing? Meteorologistically speaking, skanks make no sense. Just like the word meteorologistically.

3. While you might think you’re being original in dressing up as a skanky: angel, fairy, witch, vampire, Dorothy, cowgirl, devil, or “fill in the blank”…if we can see more skin than material...you’ve lost any semblance of creativity. Face it – you decided to be naked for Halloween. Lame. It’s been done. Get over yourself.

4. You do realize you’re giving a free show to not only the men you’re obviously very desperately trying to impress – but your “goodies” are on display for little kids too! Anyone else a little bothered by that? Would you dress up like that around a 5 year old? Please say the answer is no. If the answer is yes – gross.

5. For anyone dressing up as a skanky angel: We can see right through your angel costume. There’s nothing angelic about skankiness. But seriously though, we can actually SEE right through your costume. So for heaven’s sake, at least put on some underwear!

6. Just because the moon is full, does NOT mean you need to give us the same view of your behind.

7. Isn’t Halloween about mystery and surprises and intrigue? News flash - when you let it all hang out, the mystery goes out the window along with your dignity.

8. If it looks like Edward Scissor Hands came in contact with your costume – welcome to skankdom.

9. Your costume choice tells a lot about you – so make sure yours send the message you really want it to.

10. And finally, a quote from “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton” seems fitting(unlike your costume which in no way fits): “Guard your carnal treasure!”

Now, if those little tidbits aren’t enough to entice you toward decorum, maybe a more visual approach will suit your fancy. (at least your fancy would be dressed then, right?!) This worked for Scrooge, so maybe it’ll work for skanks too. Hopefully it'll change a few minds into changing their clothes.

The Skanks of Halloween Past


I imagine all she did was show her ankles, and then this woman's milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. Sheer and utter proof that being "skanky" has its consequences. Today when you're skanky though - you'll probably end up hanging out with pigs instead of cows. (Note: I took pure creative liberties with this picture. I do not know this woman or the measure of her skankiness or lack thereof. No offense intended.)

The Skanks of Halloween Present


These are the very costumes that prompted Lindsay's statement above. Notice that we went from ankles being scandalous to all out goodies galore as the norm. Sheds some light on the direction of our society, huh?

The Skanks of Halloweens Yet to Happen


Pretty soon you won't have much to cheer about when your costumes are so scandelous that you've lost all respect. So please put your pom poms down and get a real costume, before we have to completely censor you and your skankiness.

And now I guess all that’s left for Tiny Kim to say is, “God Bless us, everyone!” Yes, even the Skanks.


Oh, and check out this post written last year by a student at the University of Tennessee named Flora Theden - well said!

http://utdailybeacon.com/opinion/columns/guest/2009/oct/28/sexy-costumes-ubiquitous-tiresome/