THE LADY DOCTOR, SPIDERMAN & YELLOW SHOES

There I was in the waiting room for the lady doctor. (Or for all you normal people out there who don't mind calling it for what it is - the OBGYN. Or for all you crazies who like to call it by what sounds like the name of a dinosaur - the GYNO) My appointment was for 3:45pm and there I sat. Time check: 3:47pm. And what was I thinking about? You guessed it - Tina Fey. You know the scene in Baby Mamma where she goes to the fertility specialist and the doctor just keeps repeating "I don't like your uterus. I just don't like your uterus." Suddenly I felt self concious of my uterus. Didn't know I could be self consious of a uterus, but I was. This lady looks at uteruses (uterusi?) all day - I hoped mine was up to par.

So, self-conciously and uncomfortably I waited for the nurse to open the door and call me in. And without realizing it, I turned into Monk. I was balancing on the edge of my chair trying not to touch anything while digging in my purse for my hand sanitizer. Then I looked around. Accross from me there was a mother. She looked concerned as she mechanically turned the pages of a magazine that she obviously wasn't really reading. Her daughter came out of her appointment and she stood up the second she was in view. They both looked a little worried, and left the office quickly. Oh no, I thought to myself, the doctor must not have liked her uterus. But before I could think anymore about it, I realized that there was a 4 year old boy pretending to be spiderman a few feet away from me. He had just shot me with an invisible spider web. Even my hand sanitizer couldn't protect me from that. Time check: 4:04pm. His mom looked at me to see how I'd react. And when I smiled, she was relieved that she wouldn't have to discipline her super-hero son. My acceptance of the game meant that I was then shot every few seconds by both this little boy and his 2 year old brother side-kick. I was no match for their cuteness. And before I knew it, 2 feet turned into 2 inches and I had the 4 year old in the chair to my right and the 2 year old on my left. Time check: 4:18pm. Then their mom got the coveted call to see the doctor and she piled them into their two-seater stroller and my super-heros disappeared.

Me and my uterus were getting a little impatient at this point. Time check: 4:32pm. Every other person in the office had been called in. Even the ladies who came in after me. And the video loop of how to protect myself from H1N1 was starting to eat away at my brain cells and also my patience.

Finally...FINALLY...it was my turn. Time check: 4:45pm. The nurse opened the door and called me in. YES! They weighed me and then put me in one of the rooms. The nurse came in and did her blood pressure, temperature, allergy question routine and then told me to undress, put on the gown and sit and wait for the doctor to see me. Oh good, I thought to myself, more waiting, and better yet, naked waiting. Awkward. I undressed quickly and sat on the butcher-papered table. Cause that's not uncomforable. Then there was a knock at the door. The doctor? No - the nurse again. Come on! This time with a bit of advice that would have been nice to know BEFORE I got undressed. "This floor is pretty dirty," she said, "you might want to put your shoes back on." Uh...I don't know what bothered me more about that statement. The idea of dirty anything at the doctor's office or the fact that I would be naked and wearing bright yellow wedge heels. Cute Kim, real cute. Time check: 4:59pm.

Drumroll......at 5:45pm (two hours late) the doctor came into the office. A shorter woman, with a pleasant smile. She introduced herself and apologized profusely for the wait. We went through with the exam and I was surprised at how well it went. Oh, and good news: She had no problem whatsoever with my uterus. Oh ya - and I'm pregnant.

JUST KIDDING! But wouldn't that have been a great ending to this post?