THE JAMES BOND APPROACH TO PERIODS

You’ve seen TV try to tell you about your period. Mother Nature (a middle aged woman wearing all red) drops in on a girl at some inopportune time with a little “gift box” for her. Awkward. Then there’s the double screen shot of a mysterious blue liquid poured out of a test tube. Gross. Or how ‘bout the ones where you see a woman trying to button up her jeans when she’s oh so bloated. Put your yoga pants on already woman!

So that said, I appreciate the effort TV – but I’m still not impressed. I like more of a strait shootin’ approach. Like the James Bond depiction of periods my doctor told me. I’ll do my best to summarize:

There are SHOT GUN ovaries and there are SNIPER ovaries.

The shot guns are the unfathomably fertile females out there who are so regular about their monthly gifts that they may as well work for FedEx. They can calculate to the very day what’s going on with their bodies and plan accordingly. How cool is that? Yup, when they want to get pregnant, they know when the shot is fired and when to...well never mind ;)

And then there are the sisters after my own style – the snipers. The illusive, the unpredictable, the spontaneous. Our ovaries are much more strategic about their firings and don’t feel the need to conform to a regular schedule. Rebellious ovaries, if you will. So when we want to get pregnant, there’s no telling when that sniper decides to shoot. And here’s where our loving husbands come in, with their constant willingness to help in any way they can to ensure that those finicky eggs don’t miss their targets. Thank you selfless husbands, for thinking only of our eggs!

So after hearing this ovarian explanation, I hope you’ll agree that “ovary guns” are cooler than blue liquid test tube commercials any day. And no matter what heat you’re packin’ in that abdomen of yours – all you can do is make use of your guns the best way you can. So fire away ladies! And that’s all I’m gonna say. Period.