Dreams are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Unless you’re on Facebook late at night scrolling your home feed. In which case, you have a good heads up as to the characters about to make a cameo after you conk out.
You know who you are. You count peeps instead of sheep.
But lest you think me judgmental, I opt for peeps instead of sheep with the best of ‘em.
Which brings me to my confession:
I’ve been dating some of you via Facebook. It’s like a dream. Well, actually it IS a dream. An awkward dream. And you’ve had no idea. Until now. And you better brace yourself, cause we’re breaking up. Consider this your formal notice. But you can hold onto your self-esteem cause it’s not you, it’s me. (Which you should be well aware actually means it’s you ~ see Seinfeld for clarification on that one…)
It usually works out that I’m too busy during the day to book faces, so Zuckerberg’s brainchild is an indulgence I make time for just before bed if at all. But it’s time for me to go ahead and rethink that order of ops.
You see, I have vivid dreams. Chalk it up to a rich imagination that apparently doesn’t like to sleep when I do. It’s a blessing and a curse. And sometimes it’s just plain awkward. Let’s go ahead and run with that whole awkward adjective on this one.
Like the romantic relationship I recently formed with an old friend from college. Apparently we started dating and entered a soap opera parallel universe of complex situations. All because I read their status via Facebook just before bed.
Or the other night when I was hanging out with a football star from Hart High circa 2000-2004. Prrretty sure that never happened. Yup. Just remembered my acne and nerd-ness. Definitely didn’t happen. But my mind decided to play that one out alternately in dreamland. All because I clicked a thumbnail pic of a group of guys from my high school. The likes of which I never dated, nor crushed on, nor have I thought about in years. Oh yes, and I was a babe in high school in my dream. If only life were but a dream, huh?
Or the wedding of a friend that I recently crashed and ruined all because I happened to be photo scrolling their big day just before bed. Sorry about eating all the cake, and making that embarrassing toast to the happy couple, and well, never mind.
Or the lizard that barged into my car and set up camp for the long haul. Oh riiiight – that’s just my glorious reality. Scratch that.
Add in the fact that I’ve just recently finished the fourth season of 24 on DVD and started watching Arrested Development from episode one…and all you late night Facebook updaters have been on one wild ride inside Kim’s mind. As such, may I be the first to officially apologize to those of you I’ve shot or injured while on my missions with Jack Bauer. I can assure you it was all for the good of the United States. Someone’s gotta stop the terrorists!
Apparently I need to be more careful about what I feed my brain just before sleep. But I’m not talking physical food, I’m talking brain food. Eye candy if you will. Images and statuses if you won’t. I guess it’s either a Facebook curfew for me or I’m gonna keep dating/attacking/laughing at all of you in the middle of the night.
Which brings me to my next point:
Do you ever wonder if you have a walk-on role in anyone else’s Facebook induced dreams? What about a LEADING role? You could be in a bunch of dreams and not even know it! I know I’m curious……
Does that make you a little nervous? I know I’m a little nervous to go to bed tonight. So maybe if I just picture all of you in your underwear it’ll calm my qualms of closing my eyes. Oh….wait….about that. Let’s go ahead and reverse that reverie before it takes my dreams further down a path we most definitely don’t want to go. Keep your clothes on people! You don’t want your dream self to be slutty. Or maybe you do? That’s weird.
Any who - if you see me on Facebook late at night – chances are you’ll end up in my dreams. So if you start posting only at night we’ll know that you’re auditioning for a part in the next episode of Kim’s Dreams. And believe you me – that’s one crazy role you might land yourself. So if I see you tonight in dreamland, here’s hoping you can outsmart the likes of Jack Bauer and Kim Sigety and the whole Bluth family. You’ve been warned!
Some may say that I’m a dreamer. But don’t lie. You do it too. I’m not the only one.
And tell me, anyone else had Facebook induced dreams?