GIVING HUNGER THE BIRD

There are many firsts in a girl’s life. Her first breath. Her first steps. Her first kiss. Her first love. And today - her first turkey roast. I know, I’m crying a little bit too. Onions and I have that kind of effect on people. It’s a gift.

And speaking of gifts, let’s talk about the wonder and joy that is the Wal-Mart on Tchoupitoulas (cha...puh...two...luss) in New Orleans, LA (as it relates to the aforementioned turkey of course).

Story #1
Last Christmas I decided to buy our first Christmas tree. So I took my little law school wife’s budget and headed to said Walmart. I found a great looking 6 foot tree on display for $20.00. Perfect! I scanned the shelves looking for one all boxed up and ready to buy. No tree to be found. But I did find a clerk willing to help (shocker). So we joined forces in our search, her leading the way and me following close behind. Then I saw her look up. There, on the VERY top shelf in the corner of the department was the tree I wanted. We’re talkin’ at least 30 feet up, people! So we both looked at it for a minute with heads slightly cocked. I think she was hoping I’d decide I didn’t want it. No such luck. I wanted that tree! Then the hilarity began. This middle aged woman boarded a crane/fork-lifty thing (I don’t know what it was – I’m not a boy) and up she went. Only problem? The forklifty thing was NOT very close to the shelf. Good thing she brought her trusty broomstick up with her! By this time, two more workers had come over to see what was going on. It was as if this tree were some insane person waiting to jump from a ledge. Only, instead of someone going up to coax him out of jumping – my Wal-Mart worker was going up to give him a shove. No seriously, the worker reached out her broom and knocked not one, not two, but three of the boxed trees right off the top shelf. (Insert slow motion free fall while I winced back bracing for impact) I watched the trees fall 30 feet, slam onto the ground, and bounce slightly before stopping their journey. Then one of the workers on the ground picked up the crunched and practically busted box and proudly presented it to me. I didn’t have the heart to decline the offering. But I guess my face couldn’t help but reveal my aversion to, what I was positive was, a broken and busted tree. Still, the worker reassured me (and I quote) “Oh, we throw these things around all day – that’s not the hardest fall that tree’s seen.” Hmm…was that supposed to comfort me? Oh good…you mean this tree has been horridly abused and broken on multiple occasions and not just this once? I feel much better now. But seriously, the three Wal-Mart Musketeers were so pleased with their accomplishment that I didn’t have the heart to not buy the tree. If my tree was broken - I’d take it back, but I didn’t want to break their pride in the moment. And that, my readers, is the story of how I took in an abused tree at Christmas and gave it a nice and loving home. Oh yes – and when I assembled the tree at home…not a single problem with it. What the heck is this thing made of? Whatever it is, they should make air planes out of it…indestructible.

Story # 2
If you faithfully read my blog (bless you) you’ll know that I’ve been trying to add more fresh fruits and veggies to my diet. So a couple months back I headed to Wal-Mart, loaded my cart with produce, and made my way for the check out. As always, I chose the wrong line. Twenty long minutes later it was my turn. I watched as the checker glanced at my full conveyor belt. What I saw: everything fresh and delicious. What SHE saw: a belt full of items without barcodes. Her shoulder slump at the sight clearly proved her disappointment. Everything started off fine and well, that is, until we came to the lettuce. Ah, the lettuce. I’ll quote verbatim now, and I think you’ll understand why…

CHECKER: “What this is?”
KIM: “Oh, this? It’s just lettuce.”
CHECKER: (looking at the lettuce) “What THIS is?”
KIM: “It’s green leaf lettuce.”
CHECKER: “I don’t see that on my screen”
KIM: (going around to look at the screen) “Well, it should just show up as lettuce I think…”
CHECKER: (to herself) “What this is?”
KIM: (puzzled) “It’s lettuce”
CHECKER: (yelling to the clerk on the next aisle) “Hey Wanda – What this is?”
WANDA: (coming over and talking to me now too) “What this is?”
KIM: “It’s lettuce…green leaf lettuce”
WANDA: (scanning the screen unsuccessfully) “How much was it?”
KIM: “Uh…I think it was a $1.50 or something?”
WANDA: (to checker) “Just punch it in at $1.50”
CHECKER: (after continuing on with my other groceries) “I ain’t never seen lettuce like that”

haha! Needless to say, I now hate/love the phrase…”What this is?”

Story # 3
This one happened just last week at the Wal-Mart in question. Anyone ever stepped in a mayonnaise puddle? No, I didn’t think so. That choice opportunity is reserved for those of us at Wal-Mart in the heart of New Orleans. Apparently a jar of mayonnaise was dropped and I was the lucky one to discover it. And can you guess what came to my mind to yell when it happened?

WHAT THIS IS?!?!?!?!?!

Now let’s return to the topic of this post…my first turkey roast.

With a history like that, it’s no surprise that I was skeptical of the bird selection I’d find at my Wal-Mart in the hood. Oops…I mean neighborhood. But amidst my trepidation, I tried to be optimistic as we got in the car last night at 9:40pm. John especially enjoyed the car ride as I proceeded to rhyme turkey with any and all words I could think of/invent. Lurkey. Jerky. Perky. Workey. Murky. Flirkey. And that, sweet readers, is most assuredly only the beginning - because I’m just so wonderfully quirkey! Admit it…I made you smirkey. But back to the car ride. I can always tell when John really loves what I’m doing by the way his handsome blue eyes sparkle as he rolls them emphatically like he did last night during my rhyme fest. I’ve come to savor this expression as one of affection since I see it so often. Married people sure have weird ways of showing their affection.

Anyway - we got to the store with 15 minutes to shop. Bad news. I don’t make my best choices under pressure – and it had already been a long day. But I knew I had to get my turkey or there would be no way it could thaw before it was time to get cookin’ on Saturday. So I looked all over the meat department at our options. I was hoping for about a 10-12ish pound turkey. But no – apparently Walmart only carries super huge gargantuanly obese turkeys. Point of reference: the SMALLEST one I could find was 21.8lbs. What are they feeding the turkeys these days? Wait, don’t answer that. I seriously don’t want to know.

With limited options and even more limited time…I had to make a choice. We were down to the last 5 minutes. It was 9:55pm and the final call for shoppers had just been announced. This was my Final Jeapordy. Only at the Tchoupitoulas Wal-Mart I bet I’d have to forgo the typical “What is” answer and use “What this is” instead.

I looked at the frozen turkey. Then at John standing above the cooler. Then back at the turkey, then John, then turkey, John, turkey, clock, turkey, John, turkey, John, turkey, package of Oreos (what?), turkey, John. It was time to make a decision. And that decision ended up weighing 21.8lbs. And we’re not talking about a 21.8lb package of Oreos here people (my thighs are still thanking me for that). My dear John Rowe lugged our 21.8lb turkey to the register. (I’m banking that there was an eye roll sometime between the cooler and the checkout line, but I couldn’t see his eyes to know for sure.) The choice had been made.

Now let’s give a little background and do a little math. Not because I want to. In fact – math is my nemesis, but this will give some very important info with regard to this post.

Background: Why in the world is Kim roasting a turkey for the first time? I mean, Thanksgiving was last month. And why, of all days are we having Turkey on Saturday December 18, 2010? Well, because my husband finished his law school exams like a champ and it’s time to celebrate with a POST FINALS FEAST! Said feast will include 6 people at 4pm at our little apartment TOMORROW!

Math: 6 guests + 21.8lbs of turkey = WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?! I might not be a mathematician, but something about those numbers doesn’t quite add up. Oh yes – that’s because I have 6 guests and enough turkey to feed (insert something more clever than “a small army”)

From a very sorry selection to WAY too many ridiculous experiences in the past, it’s safe to say, that last night, Wal-Mart finally gave me the bird. And as you can imagine, it took all I had not to give it right back!

All that said, I now have a huge turkey in my refrigerator. So huge, in fact, that I barely have a pan large enough to hold it. This thing is taking over my fridge! So there’s nothing left to do but name it and blog about it. I shall name it Turkeyzilla. And I will roast Turkeyzilla to perfection. Yes, I will conquer this huge A bird and wow my dinner guests. Why? Because I’m Kim Sigety, that’s why. Oh, and also because Wendy Wilson is my sister and my self-appointed lifeline for the next 24 hours, that’s why too! I mean, what are sisters for, if not to help one roast a turkey and listen to you talk about your husband who rolls his eyes at your rhyming.

Gobble! Gobble! It’s turkey time people :) Check back soon for adventures/pictures and/or video. That is, unless this whole Post Finals Feast is a huge failure. In which case, I will completely lie to you all and tell you about how wonderful I am anyway.